Project Re-Rail: The Origin of this Segment

I have major depression, general anxiety disorder, hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, sleep apnea, and chronic fatigue. At the time of writing this I'm also going through a hell of a lot of financial, emotional, and relationship stress (the latter is mostly spillover from the other two). Over the past couple months, I've found myself thinking things like the following:

"Everything is a mess and I'm a mess."

"I'm such a fucking train wreck."

"Why can't I just not?"

"I'd really like to just stop existing for now, please."

Do you know what are some very unhealthy thoughts? Yeah. All of those things.

 I have a therapist--I've had one since I was fifteen and told my mom I was considering killing myself to avoid going to school. But recently it's been pretty clear I need a bit more than that.

Fortunately it's the new year, and that means any bookstore you go into has a nice display advertising ways to help you keep your new year's resolutions. And thus I stumbled on the most glorious title of any self-help book in the world: The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. Better still, it's a series. Five books so far, and I hope this woman keeps writing because she's glorious. It's like reading a novel-length blog post written by your best friend's hilarious childhood friend or the aunt you always admired as a kid.

So now begins a reversal of the thoughts I've been feeding myself. I've been calling myself a train wreck? Saying life has been derailed? Fine. Here begins Project Re-Rail. An attempt to reverse my self-talk, my self-destructive behaviors, my "it doesn't matter" or "I'll just change my mind tomorrow." A project dedicated to giving better fucks, getting my shit together, calming the fuck down, and being me. To getting my finances together, really figure out what I want from life, dedicate time to my projects without apologizing for it. To getting healthy--physically (taking steps to control my chronic pain), creatively (dedicating time to my passions and pursuits), emotionally (focusing on the positive over the negative), financially (getting investments and retirement-planning on autopilot and getting my impulse spending under control), and otherwise.

So in this segment of my "whatever I fucking feel like" blog, you'll find me giving pieces of what I'm aiming to do with this project, updates on how it's going, and all that good stuff. Hopefully there will be more positive than negative. Fingers crossed.

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